An Arrogant Believer’s Process of Transformation

An Arrogant Believer’s Process of Transformation

An Arrogant Believer’s Process of Transformation

Under God’s care and protection, my illness gradually improved. Even though I wasn’t able to speak clearly, I could ride a bicycle and do a little bit of work in general affairs. However, because my arrogant nature was too deeply entrenched, God once again arranged for new people and things to judge me and change me. One day, the church leader arranged for me to take on hosting duties. After hearing this I felt very unwilling to do it. I believed that acting as a host was a waste of my abilities, but I also couldn’t refuse, so I grudgingly agreed. While I was hosting, some brothers and sisters were meeting at my house and had me watch the door to safeguard our surroundings. Once again my inner thoughts arose: Just acting as a host, keeping an eye on the door—what will I get out of this? I thought back to the past. When I stood behind the pulpit I was so haughty, but in my duty today I didn’t have any face or any status. My rank was so low! So after a period of time, my internal resistance became greater and greater, I felt more and more wronged, and I was no longer willing to fulfill that duty.
When the church leader came by at a later time, I could no longer hold it in. I said: “You need to give me another duty to perform. All of you are preaching the gospel and caring for the church, but I’m at home acting as a host and guarding the door—what will I get in the future?” That sister smiled and said: “You’re mistaken. In front of God, there is no major or minor duty, there is no greater or lesser status. No matter what duty we’re performing, we each have a function. The church is a whole unit with different functions, but it is one body. Let’s look at a passage of God’s words.” Then she read this passage to me: “In the current stream, every person that truly loves God has the opportunity to be perfected by Him. Regardless of whether they are young or old, so long as they keep in their hearts an obedience to God and reverence for Him, they will be able to be perfected by Him. God perfects people according to their different functions. So long as you have done all in your strength and submit yourself to the work of God you will be able to be perfected by Him. At present none of you are perfect. Sometimes you are able to perform one type of function and sometimes you are able to perform two; so long as you give all your strength to God and expend yourselves for Him, ultimately you will be perfected by God” (“On Everyone Performing Their Function” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). After listening to these words of God and the sister’s fellowship, my heart settled and brightened. I thought: It turns out that God perfects people based on each individual’s different function. He doesn’t look at whether people have status or not or what duty they perform; what God makes perfect is people’s hearts and their obedience. What He looks at is whether they end up having a change in disposition. No matter what duty they perform, as long as they give it their all and are utterly devout, and if they throw off their own corrupt disposition while fulfilling their duty, they can be perfected by God. Even though people perform different functions in the church, the goal is always to satisfy God. They are all fulfilling the duty of a creation. If people can face God and fulfill their duty without personal intentions or impurities, even if others look down on the duty they are performing and think it’s not worth much, in God’s eyes it is cherished and treasured. If people perform their duty to satisfy their own intentions and desires, no matter how great their work and what duty they perform, it will not please God. After that, I saw these words from God: “As a created being, man ought to fulfill his duty, do what he ought to do, and do what he is able to do, regardless of whether he will be blessed or cursed. This is the very basic condition for man, as one who seeks after God. You should not do your duty only to be blessed, and you should not refuse to act for fear of being cursed” (“The Difference Between the Ministry of the Incarnate God and the Duty of Man” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). I understood from these words of God that as a creation, worship of God is right and proper. I should not have my own choice, and I definitely should not discuss conditions or conduct transactions with God. If my belief in God and fulfillment of my duty is to gain the blessings or crown, this type of belief is not in good conscience and reasonable. It is from an improper perspective. I was reluctant to do “small work” and to fulfill “small duties”—isn’t that still being subject to the domination of the arrogant ambitions to pursue blessings and be looked up to by others? In my mind, I believed that with status and authority I could work as a leader, and that the more I worked the happier God would be, and the more I would receive God’s praise and be rewarded by Him. So I still would not let go of status, and I was always seeking to do great work and perform great duties so that in the end I would receive a great crown. I also misunderstood the will of God and I was dissatisfied with the duty arranged by the church. I complained about it and even believed that fulfilling the duty of a host was wasting my skills, that it was a way of looking down on me. I was so arrogant and ignorant! Under the judgment of God’s words, I once again felt ashamed. And also because of the enlightenment from God’s words, I understood His will. I knew what type of person God likes, what type of person He perfects, and what type of person disgusts Him. I gained a heart of obedience for God. After that I set my will in front of God and was willing to be the smallest, most unassuming person in the church, to complete my duty as a host, to safeguard our surroundings, to allow my brothers and sisters to meet at my house in peace without being disturbed. I would comfort God’s heart this way.

Through this experience, I realized how great God’s words are, that He has expressed the truth and all of His will to save mankind. We only need to diligently read His words to understand the truth in all things, to understand His will, to resolve our own notions and beliefs. From then on, I developed more of a thirst for His words, and I started getting up at four or five every morning to read His words. After some time, I was able to remember a portion of His words, I gained a grasp of His will, and I truly enjoyed it in my heart. Later on, there was a brother responsible for the work of the gospel who frequently stayed at my home. Several times when he was preaching the gospel and encountered difficulties, he asked me to look for God’s words to resolve them. He saw that I could find them very quickly, and after that as soon as he ran into problems he would ask me to help find some words from God. He really admired me. Unintentionally, my arrogant nature once again started acting up. I thought to myself: Despite the fact that you’re responsible for preaching the gospel, I still have to help you resolve issues. You haven’t read the word of God as much as I have, and you don’t understand as much of it as I do. I have already gained the truth. If I were in charge of preaching the gospel, I would definitely be better at it than you are. So in my heart I began to look down on my brother, and after a while I even started to give him the cold shoulder. Later, the church leader came to my house and asked me: “How have you been doing recently?” Full of confidence, I replied: “I’ve been fine. I read God’s words and pray every day. That brother has seen that I understand quite a bit of God’s word, so he’s always having me help him find words from God to resolve issues….” The church leader heard the arrogance in what I said, and picked up a book of God’s words and said: “Let’s read a few passages of His words.” God says: “Because the greater their status, the greater their ambition; the more they understand of the doctrines, the more arrogant their dispositions become. If, in your belief in God, you do not pursue the truth, and instead pursue status, then you’re in danger” (“People Make Too Many Demands of God” in Records of Christ’s Talks). “Regardless of which truths and reality you have heard, as long as you hold them up against yourself you will surely grow. If you carry out these words in your own life, and incorporate them into your own practice, you will definitely gain something, and will definitely change; if you stuff these words into your belly, and memorize them in your brain, then you will never change. … you must lay a good foundation; if, at the very beginning, you lay a foundation of letters and doctrines, then you’ll be in trouble. It’s like when people build a house on a beach: The house will be in danger no matter how high you build it, and won’t last for long” (“To Be Honest, You Should Lay Yourself Open to Others” in Records of Christ’s Talks). After hearing these words of God, I was utterly ashamed. I realized that my own arrogant nature was coming out again. In my belief in Jesus in the past, I had focused on gaining deep knowledge and understanding theories in the Bible, and I used that as a basis for being high and mighty, for becoming more and more arrogant. Now I was fortunate that I could read so much truth in God’s words, but I had gone back onto my old path and was relying on my own intellect. I had memorized some sentences from His words and believed that I had gained the truth; I once again became arrogant and wouldn’t listen to anyone. I vied for status with others and competed with them. It really was so shameful! Understanding the theories in the words can only make people arrogant, but only those who know the truth of God’s words will be able to change their disposition and live as a human being. That brother had believed in God longer than I had and he understood more than I did, but he was able to humbly seek my help. This really was a strength of his, and it was a fruit born of his experience of God’s work and word. Not only did I not learn from him and focus on putting the word of God into practice in my life, and live out proper humanity, but I looked down on him and gave him the cold shoulder. I truly was arrogant, blind, and ignorant! My heart at that time was in so much pain. I felt that this arrogant nature of mine was truly shameful and ugly. It was too disgusting! And this type of arrogance to the point that lacked all reason very easily offends God’s disposition and incites His wrath. Without changing myself, without genuinely pursuing the truth I only could have ruined myself. When I realized all of this, I truly felt that the judgment and chastisement in God’s words really were His love and salvation for me. This caused me to feel hatred for my own arrogant nature, and I understood that in my belief in God, I should walk the correct path of pursuing the truth and pursuing a change in disposition.

After that had passed, I began to look into myself for the root of my arrogance and lack of reason, for what was guiding my thinking, what made me frequently expose my satanic nature of arrogance. One day, I saw these words from God: “Everything Satan does is for itself. It wants to surpass God, break free from God and wield power itself, and possess all of the things that God has created; therefore, man’s nature is Satan’s nature. … Man’s satanic nature has a great deal of philosophy contained within it. Sometimes you yourself are not clear, but you are living based on that every moment. You think that it’s very correct, very reasonable, and not mistaken. Satan’s philosophy becomes man’s truth, and people live in complete accordance with its philosophy without the slightest contradiction. Therefore, man is always and everywhere revealing Satan’s nature in life, and is always living by a satanic philosophy. Satan’s nature is man’s life” (“How to Take the Path of Peter” in Records of Christ’s Talks). Pondering these words of God, my heart brightened more and more. I thought: It turns out that after mankind was corrupted by Satan, our nature also became as arrogant, as unruly, and without worship of God as Satan itself, and we pursue others thinking highly of us and worshiping ourselves as if we were God. Through societal influence and well-known words from famous people, Satan has injected its thinking, its philosophy of life and its laws of survival into the human heart, becoming something that people rely on in their lives; these have taken root inside of mankind and are difficult to shake off. These philosophies and laws are all the poisons of Satan that are guiding mankind’s thinking, dominating their actions, and causing them to become more and more arrogant and unreasonable. I reflected on the fact that since I was a child I was bullied and discriminated against and I began to envy those who had power and status. In addition, the satanic laws of survival of “People struggle to go upward, but water flows downward,” “I am my own Lord throughout heaven and earth,” “rising above others,” and “One should bring honor to his ancestors” had been firmly implanted in my heart from an early age, dominating my life. Whether it was out in the world or in the church, I was doing my utmost to pursue status and reputation; I was seeking to rank higher than others, to be in charge of others. Poisoned by these things, I became more and more arrogant to the point that I became pompous and I always had to have the final say. I was arrogant to the point that I believed I had been sent by God, and I thought that I would reign as a king along with God. Because of these poisons, I saw myself very highly; I saw myself as really great. I would always put my qualifications of being a longtime believer in the faces of my brothers and sisters and compare my strengths to other people’s weaknesses. I would belittle and look down upon others. I couldn’t treat them fairly, and I had no understanding of the essence and the truth of Satan’s corruption of me. Satan’s poison had made me so arrogant that I had lost my human reason. Just like Satan, I wanted to seize power in everything. I wanted an elevated position to rule over mankind. These poisons of Satan harmed me so terribly, so deeply, that what I was living out was entirely the likeness of Satan, the devil! I prayed to God, saying: “Oh God, I am no longer willing to live based on these things. I have suffered terribly for them, I have been living in unbearable ugliness and have disgusted You. I have become Your bitter enemy for these things, and I have become a demon who resists You. I am living out the manner of an enemy. Oh God, I am willing to do my utmost to pursue the truth, to become a proper person who truly has a conscience and reason, to live out the manner of a true person, to comfort Your heart. Oh God, I beg You not to take Your judgment and chastisement away from me, I beg for Your work to purify me. As long as it is possible for me to change and become a true person and be Yours soon, I am willing to accept even more severe judgment and damnation from You and the chastening of Your discipline.”

One day, I read God’s words saying: “God has no elements of self-rightness and self-importance, or those of conceit and arrogance; He has no elements of crookedness. All that disobeys God comes from Satan; Satan is the source of all ugliness and wickedness. The reason that man has qualities alike those of Satan is because man has been corrupted and worked on by Satan. Christ has not been corrupted by Satan, hence He has only the characteristics of God and none of those of Satan” (“The Substance of Christ Is Obedience to the Will of the Heavenly Father” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). My heart was once again moved. God is so lofty and great, yet so humble and hidden. He never flaunts Himself, and He never assumes a high and mighty position in His work among mankind. He is always quietly doing all the work that is needed by man, tolerating enormous humiliation and pain without seeing it as hardship. On the contrary, He suffers and is saddened from humanity living under the domain of Satan and bound to its philosophy. He expends all possible effort just to save mankind from Satan’s influence so that people can gain life, live freely and without restraints, and can accept His blessings. God is so great, so holy, and in His life there are no elements of self-rightness and self-importance, because Christ Himself is the truth, the way, and the life. He is supreme as well as humble and lovely. Seeing what Christ has and is, I felt even more that I was arrogant and shameless, and longed to follow the example of Christ, to pursue living out the manner of a proper person to satisfy God. After that, following Christ’s example and living out the manner of a true person became the goal that I pursued.

Later, there was a time when I read a passage of God’s words and I could not understand it. I didn’t know what it meant, but for the sake of saving face, I was unwilling to put myself aside and seek fellowship with my brothers and sisters. I was afraid they would look down on me because I had been accustomed to resolving other people’s issues and had never brought up any of my own problems to seek help from others. Afterward, I realized that my unwillingness to open up to fellowship was still the domination of my arrogant nature and not wanting to be looked down on by others. I rebelled against the flesh to seek fellowship with my brothers and sisters. I had never imagined that not only did they not look down on me, but they patiently communicated God’s will with me, and my difficulty was very quickly resolved. There was another time that a brother had me deliver a letter related to the work of the church. Because of my arrogance and that I completed the task based on my own ideas, it wasn’t delivered on time. When he saw that it was going to hold up the work, this brother became very anxious. He dealt with me and exposed me. At the time I was very uncomfortable and felt embarrassed, but I also knew that this was God dealing with me and pruning aspects of me. It was God testing whether or not I had obedience, and whether or not I could put the truth into practice. I prayed to God: “Oh God, today I was dealt with by my brother, I felt uncomfortable. I also wanted to resist it because in the past, I was always in the higher position and scolding others, and I had never submitted to the truth. I was always living out the likeness of Satan. Now, I have experienced so much of God’s work and I understand that a person who is able to accept being dealt with and pruned is the most reasonable. This is a person who is obedient to God and fearful of God. Only this type of person has the most integrity and a human manner. Now I am willing to forsake my own flesh with a heart of loving God. I am willing for You to move my heart, to perfect my resolution.” After this prayer, I felt very much at peace and serene in my heart. I saw that what God did was great, and that through people, events, and things, He helped me recognize myself so that I could change as soon as possible. From now on, I am willing to seek God more, to rely on God to fulfill my duty as well as possible. After that, my brother was concerned that I would be unwilling to accept all this, so he communicated with me on God’s will. I talked about my realization about my own experiences. We laughed about it together, and from my heart I gave thanks for God’s salvation, for Him changing me. All glory be to God!

So, through time after time of Almighty God’s judgment and chastisement, my arrogant disposition was gradually changed. I could become a low-key person, I could patiently listen to others speak, and I could take heed of others’ suggestions. I could solicit the opinions of my brothers and sisters on some issues, and I could collaborate harmoniously with them. Whatever came up, I no longer had to have the final say, and I was no longer so arrogant and unwilling to listen to others. I had finally gained a little bit of humanity. Since then, I feel that I have become a much simpler person. I live so easily, so happily. I give thanks to Almighty God’s salvation of me. Without His salvation, I would still be struggling bitterly in the midst of darkness and sin without ever being able to escape from corruption. Without God’s salvation, my nature would only have become more and more arrogant, even having people worship me like God, to the point of offending God’s disposition and suffering His punishment yet being oblivious to it. Through time after time of God’s judgment and chastisement, I saw that His love is so real, and that He has always used His love to influence me, waiting for me to turn myself around. No matter how rebellious I was, no matter how hard I was to deal with, how many complaints and misunderstandings I had of God, He had never made an issue of it. He had still painstakingly set up every type of environment to call to my heart, to awaken my soul, to rescue me from the affliction of Satan, to let me live in the light of God, to walk the true path of human life. God patiently waited more than 20 years and paid an immeasurable price for me—only then did He awaken my hardened, numbed soul. I saw that God’s love truly is vast and without end! Now, God’s judgment and chastisement have become my treasure; they are also a precious source of wealth from my experiences and something I will never be able to forget. This suffering had value and meaning, and it is something that earthly power, status and wealth could never be exchanged for. Although I still fall far short of God’s requirements, I am confidently pursuing a change in disposition, and I’m willing to more deeply experience God’s judgments and chastisements. I believe that He can surely turn me into a true person who can conform to His will.